A Modest Automotive Proposal (pt 2)

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand executives already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for actual management of the company, and my reason is, that these many executives seldom sow the fruits of good management, a circumstance much to blame on their savage accountant overseers, therefore one executive will be sufficient to each serve four UAW stewards, and one thousand workers. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year later, be offered in the sale to the companies of quality and fortune through the Stock Market; always advising the Government to let them suckle plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good pink slip.

I have reckoned upon average that a vehicle just born should weigh around 3200 pounds, and in each model year, if tolerably nursed toward fuel efficiency, decreaseth by a minimum 28 pounds per annum.

I grant this adding of lightness will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper in meeting the CAFE restrictions, who, congressional leaders have mandated, seeming in thought that they have all the best ideas for imposing on the companies.

UAW protests will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent economic physician, that wages and benefits being their prolific diet, there is more overproduction about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of domestics dealerships is at least three to one in this kingdom versus the transplants: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, of lessening the number of dealerships among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar’s supplier (in which list I reckon all dealers, laborers, and four-fifths of the suppliers) to be about 9 billions per annum, per company, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten billions each for the funding of the carcass of a good fat company, which, as I have said, will make a minimum four sales of brands and toolings, when he hath only to invite the Chinese to dine with him. Thus the manufacturers will learn to be good landlords, and grow popular among their dealers; the manufacturer will no longer have eight shilling brands competing for a net profit, and all will be fit for work till they produce another desperately needed profitable, and desirable vehicle.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin and bones of those which will be imported from Europe will hopefully make admirable sales to ladies, and be affordably financeable for all fine gentlemen.

As to our city of Detroit, shambles may be appointed for annual fire sales, with the fires being set to said cars if they do not sell in a timely manner.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in taking a sum of two hundred and twenty million offered to leave the once leading home improvement house he had been chief of. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their employability, he conceived that the want of Cerebus might be well supplied by the “Boot ‘Em” strategies. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the investment company, that American canine flush with profits from other ventures, cannot see fit to invest in their own risks, as they find their taste quite disagreeable; and to parcel them out and sell the pieces would not answer the charge when they can suck on taxpayer moneys in stead.

Then as to the other Robert; which, I confess, hath always been with me in the strongest objections against any project, except those with the rear wheel drive, no matter how greenly intentioned.  But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient is none other than the famous Lutz, a native of the island General-Motas, who came thence by jet above twenty years ago, and in conversation told the media, that in his opinion ‘global warming is a crock-o-shite,’ and all the media sold the quotes to persons appreciative of humor; and that in his time the body of Chevy Trailblazer was appointed as a Saab, and other among other great modifications of the court, the ignition was placed between the seats. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made to badge engineer every model in town, who without one single vision to their future fortunes cannot stir abroad without an Opel chairman, to appear at government playhouses and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for, asking in letters for bailouts lest their fortunes be the worse.

Tags: Automotive, Bailout, Chrysler, Detroit, Ford, GM, UAW